The Selfish Years

by The Loblolly Boy

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03:10
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06:12
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02:43
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02:35
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about

The Selfish Years was recorded live with no overdubs (with the exception of track 6) on a Tascam 4-track record in various locations around Austin, TX (friend's living rooms, bedrooms, sheds, dens and such) with the help of my many talented friends.

credits

released February 1, 2009

Written, Produced, Engineered, Mixed and Mastered by Luke Kalloch.
See tracks for performance details.

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The Loblolly Boy Portland, Maine

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Track Name: 13 Seconds
Oh tell me why. Why am I here?
Among the smoke and hazy stares.
All shuffling amongst the anxious square.
Where sobs and tears cut through the wistful air.
I don't that I don't have long as I climb up the stage stairs.
They applaud that I'll be gone soon.
How is this fair?

They tie my hands behind my back.
They clamp my head down tight on the wooden rack.
I don't know what it is I've done.
But by the blood on the ground it looks like I'm not the only one.
They ask me if I have any final requests.
As I watch all the pretty girls gasp in their Sunday dress.

I can't help but be nervous as I lay beneath the blade.
They call out my name and my service and just why I deserve to die today.

Now I'm afraid but not of death.
Just the thought that I won't see my girl again.
And as I hear the lever fall.
I look around and find her standing there all her 5 foot tall.
My eyelids flutter fast.
My last 13 seconds love are spent telling you I'm fine
In coherent morse code.

I can't help but be nervous as I blush beneath the blade.
They calls out my name and I notice her say goodbye as my vision fades.
Track Name: Blue
Oh Lord, why did you take her from me?
I promised her that I would lay her down safe.
I did not hear my baby’s cry when they took flight.

We searched six long days through the fields and in the trees.
But we could not find any trace of her or resembled life.
The nights seemed wasted and we could not fight the oncoming light.

Because I was tired and I’ve been waiting for you to come along and see
That the sky isn’t the only thing that shines so blue for you.

The frosts they came fast and winter tumbled in just like a gymnast
And it froze to rock-hard soul that had packed its way around my heart
I did not understand the evidence at hand that the deputy did have.

Because I’m tired and I’m waiting for you to come along and see
That the sky isn’t the only thing that shines so blue for you.

I heard the children scream, “oh mr, mr, mr, please.”
As they slid all frightened on their hands and knees across the lake.
They cheeks were frostbit and their sweat had dried to turn to ice.

I could barely see through the faded glass to her face underneath
Her lips were pursed sad and blue like I was meant to kiss them
And so I knelt down closer to where she chose to hide all those days and nights.

When I was tired and I was waiting for you to come along and see
That the sky isn’t the only thing that shines so blue for you.
Track Name: Screen Door
Kelly took the roll of quarters for the table and ran
For the interstate where you’d never see her again
She dunced all your photographs to stare at the walls
And through the open window you heard her engine haul away

All you wanted was for true love to be real
But till now it all was built with stilted steel
The women they all pass through your screen door’s broken latch
And you swear you’ll never fall in love again

White knuckled and barreling down them walls
The clack of change as you go running through them tolls
Neglect and disregard for all the rules of the road
And little Robert in the back seat two years old

All you wanted was for true love to be real
But till now it all was built with rage and zeal
The women they all pass through your screen door’s broken latch
And you swear you’ll never fall in love again

Now you’re standing round in all them piles of glass
The faded heirlooms that remind you of the past
Now you’re all alone and you’re not quite sure what to do
With all those numbers you had hidden now in the blue

All you wanted was for true love to be real
But till now it all was built with stilted steel
The women they all pass through your screen door’s broken latch
And you swear you’ll never fall in love again
Track Name: The Great Mistake
I never wanted to be the one who changed
Anyway, I did anyway.
You say my touch has brought you nothing but pain
Because it’s vauge and untrue
You could see my lips were red with her stains
And my collar is veil in perfume

It’s not the way that you look back at me
With those eyes in silent gloom
Its just that I make the same mistakes
Everytime and I watch you bruise
What stings is that I don’t feel the same
Now that I usually do.

I’m gonna hurt you so bad with my great mistake
I’m gonna make you burn when the pressure fades

I know the long I hold onto you the deeper the blue
So, I let my hands loose
You fell through my fingers just like a paper doll
Cause you’re so small and its all my fault
I made you grow up way too fast
You used to be so innocent

I’m gonna hurt you so bad with my great mistake
I’m gonna make you burn when the pressure fades

Don’t think this song means I want you back
Because I don’t, you’re better off alone.
Track Name: Reasons Why We Leave
There ain’t a woman here that hold
Or keep me from telling my lies
There’s no embrace that could console or help
Forget about the little girl I left behind

Her mother’s screams of, “lease don’t leave.”
Where drowned out by the next room’s wailing babe.
I could not wear a face so convincing
When I found out that that girl wasn’t mine.

There are reasons why we leave
For decisions we later grieve
When you’re put to the test you’ll find
Another man will regret them
All these reasons why we leave

My best friend here is dressed for deceiving
I found that out when he hung all his lines
If you’d saw his face you’d know he’d disgraced me
Fixed there terrified hanging from the pines

I thought I’d left no evidence convincing
As I drove south down towards the borderline
But my family traits of ignorance and stupidity
Slipped me up right under the neon’s of Harold Clime.

There are reasons why we leave
For decisions we later grieve
When you’re put to the test you’ll find
Another man will regret them
All these reasons why we leave

Now that I’m here in the womb of the county
Chained down by this chain and ball of iron
I still don’t repent for the sins that hold me
Except for leaving my sweet girl behind

There are reasons why we leave
For decisions we later grieve
When you’re put to the test you’ll find
Another man will regret them
All these reasons why we leave
Track Name: Trust
You heard the back door slam
Despite your softened hands
With whiskey whims and taste of him
Still fresh upon your chin

He’s been waiting up
Smoking in the dark
Even though you told him not
To worry ‘bout those spinning hands

Trust.

He grabs you by the hips
Pulls you in for that distant kiss
As you try to remember the times when
Those lips may have meant something

But the smoking lace
In your hair around your face
Opened you up and gave you away with the
Tear on your nylon leg.

Trust.

The hound can smell his kin
And knows just where you’ve been
You can’t stop thinking
About those twin fingers
Deep in your sides
All quivering.

The truth streams down your cheaks
His suspicions have been released
The fox has been found he won’t stick around
‘Til you hear the back door slam

Trust.
Track Name: the Loblolly Boy - Bombshells
She told me the world is gonna end
I asked her, “what time and where?
She did not know which way the earth will bend
I said, “that horizons still far yet.”

She don’t want hell and she don’t want heaven
She just wants to be held in his arms
Between the bombshells
Love waits to tear you down
From the corners of your mouth
If I could invert that unbent frown
Well then maybe you’d let me spin your ‘round

She don’t want hell and she don’t want heaven
She just wants to be held in his arms
Between the bombshells

My heart tells me not to go
As it swells and rises up my throat
And your know I wear these barbed wire rims
Not to keep you out but to keep me in

She don’t want hell and she don’t want heaven
She just wants to be held in his arms
But I want her in my arms
Between the bombshells
Track Name: the Loblolly Boy - September 23rd
I remember the first time I saw her
On the hillside by Norma’s corner
It was late September and the skies hung with mortar
The spark was so bright it didn’t matter

The steeple rung out my chest
Of all my insecurities and it made me forget my duties
We watched the leaves dance from the trees to that melody
“Oh, how I wish they had a song for me”
As I stretch a smirk and started to scheme

Oh please, Amelie, remember me.
I’ll be in the belfry, teaching them to sing
With all my might from the rope in the ceiling

Autumn fell into winter
And the nights they grew long from the dusk to dawn
Our affection grew bright like the embers from the fire
And jumped into the snow to melt the spring

I worked hard through the summer
Playing them loss songs for the soldiers in their narrow homes
The hillsides burnt bright like her cheaks under my lips
“Oh, how I wish you had a song for me.”
As I held out my hand with the ring.

Oh please, Amelie, remember me.
Won’t you keep me company and make these bells sing
For all our lives from the rope in the ceiling

They sent me to war and left me dead there on the shore
Then they heard me calling your name and put me on the next boat hom
But I found her sprawled out there like a dove at the bottom of the church stairs
With a note held in her hand with written words she didn’t understand

I laid her down in the earth
On the 23rd of September, the day I would have wed her.
“Oh won’t you sing my song to help me sleep.”
Those were the last words she said to me

Oh please, Amelie, remember me.
‘Cause I’ll be in the belfry, making these bells sing
My throat held tight with the rope in the ceiling
Flying high so I can see you, baby.

They found me swinging with no breath left in me
But somehow the notes where lingering
Its for her that these bells will always ring
Track Name: the Loblolly Boy - Oh, Leann
Oh, Leann, what’s wrong with your mind this time?

I found her in a levee of them fashion magazines
Fixed upon the photographs that held back her dreams
Her lobes were full of afterthoughts that shine so serene
Just to keep them to herself the dust would blot out their gleam
She caught my eye when I heard her spill her drink
The glass scattered on the tile and light scattered on her face
I swept her up into my hands ‘cause no one else could see
She’d been hanging ‘round these cafes just waiting to be received.

Oh, Leann, what’s wrong with your mind this time?

I told her not to get involved with a guy like me
I’ve got the reputation of the affection’s thief
She didn’t pay me any mind as she leaned in deep
It was then I thought that it was she who should have warned me
We spent our night under each other’s eaves
Talking ‘bout the things that meant so much to she and me
She had all she really needs and I told her many times
“With her two feet on the ground,” I joked, she’d be leaving me behind

Oh, Leann, what’s wrong with your mind this time?

As the weeks they went on
I could see she was fading fast
The clutch in her grip was gone
That’s when I knew….

I took her to her doorstep the stones cold with fallen leaves
The lines in her face were gone ‘cause she was staring at her feet
She looked up at me through the dark rings streaming down her eyes
She held my chin, kissed my lips, turned and didn’t say goodnight

Oh, Leann, what’s wrong with your mind this time?
Are you hopeful it will forget your face in time?
Oh, Leann, what’s wrong with your mind this time?
Are you hopeful it will fall to your lap this time?

I found her in a photograph in a fashion magazine
And I swore as I turned the page she was winking back at me
Track Name: the Loblolly Boy - Colder Man
She came to me with her hair all tied up in knots begging nfor my forgiveness
I did not know how long those secrets had been bound up there
Or tightly they had been braded in as they fell down and chilled my skin

What a fool I have been thinking for months that she would melt for me
When it was he who held her stare with her head on my shoulder while we were dancing
I will hold her as long as I can until this song comes to an end

I knew she was real gone as he held out his hand and asked me for “this one.”
I watched their silhouettes go bare through the exit sign and neon sunrise
I knew I’d be lonely when she said, “take care.” Left for the arms of the warmer man.

Weeks, days and minutes pass so fast and some days I’d see them pass me in the street
With those locks of flowing hair so wet with tears they did not notice me
I’m stronger because of them because I am the colder man
I knew I’d be stronger because of them.
I am the colder man.
Track Name: the Loblolly Boy - Stubborn Sheets
I peal open these stubborn sheets
Like a fresh wound and expose your pillowed effigy
You’ve been gone for so long
Like you were never here just a songbird singing in my tired ear
So I lay myself down by your side
Buried deep in this coffin of white
Where weeping and wailing is all I can do these days
‘cause your lips won’t move or say a single thing to me

Am I crazy for wanting you?
Am I crazy to put my heart this abuse?
Am I crazy?
Maybe.

In my dreams between fitted sheets
You avert your eyes and hide from the morning light
Where I’ve watched you body wax and wane
Through the moonbeams ‘cause with you here I cannot sleep a wink
I can’t say what’s plain to see
It’s my hands that are pinned with all this guilt inside of me
Get me out of Texas and this goddamn heat
Fit me to your puzzled hips and unlock your doorknob knees for me.

Am I crazy for wanting you?
Am I crazy to put my heart this abuse?
Am I crazy?
Maybe.

I peal back these lonesome sheets
Like a fresh wound and close the bandages around
Track Name: the Loblolly Boy - I'm Gone
The ones I call friends are the best thing that I think I’ll ever have.
No matter how far by boat, plane or car I know they’ll always be there for me
They know that I don’t have much money and don’t give a damn about the cost
When the sleeping is hard in the couches and yards they always let me stay for free

I’ll be always rambling on
One minute I’m there
and the next one I’m gone
I’m in these selfish years, boys
Living these selfish years

My family has got the best of intention and hold their tongues when they thing I’m lost
They stay up all night hoping that I’m alright and waiting for me and that call
Where I can hear the welling tears pulled up in buckets from my mama’s voice
She knows that I love her as I comfort her ear but its not for me that she’s scared

She knows that I’ll be always rambling on
One minute I’m there and the next one I’m gone
I’m in these selfish years, boys
Living these selfish years

I promised myself that a woman would never be holding me down
I would bare this cross even when I’m at a loss and my heart is too empty to care
I did not expect it and she came along. Drew me in with her curls and beautiful songs
Of heartache and lust and the road she could trust and I knew why I’d waited this long

I know that I’ll be always rambling on
One minute we’re there and the next one I’m gone.
She’ll pull me out of these selfish years, boys.
Make me leave these selfish years